Laying on the leylines

HLorne accommodationi Joanne, I know it’s been a pretty long time since we spoke, but I was wondering if you would be able to answer a reasonably serious question of mine.

About six months ago, I was diagnosed with a small, non-malignant tumour in the frontal lobe of my brain. To tell the truth, I’m not overly surprised by this. The doctor tried to tell me that some of the potential side effects of the tumour are vivid hallucinations and visions that are tactile as well as visual, but I know it’s more than that. People with their close-minded dismissal of the supernatural often try and explain away the gifts of a medium through “science”, but nothing can explain away my mystical gifts.

After talking to several spiritual and mystical experts, I’ve been lead to believe that one of the ways I can reduce the size of the tumour while keeping my abilities is through receiving treatment on a ley-line. The only problem is, I’m not precisely sure where the ley-lines in Australia are. My preliminary research has lead me to believe that there is one running through Lorne, Victoria. Accommodation in Lorne isn’t hard to find, and from what I’ve seen, I would be able to stay in luxury while receiving treatment for this physical manifestation of my gift. However, I’m not sure I’m correct in my assessment of the geography of Australia. It’s been harder than I ever would have imagined to find sources on this issue, and I could be very off about my assessment. Rather than looking for a hotel in Lorne, I should perhaps be accommodation on the rest of the Great Ocean Road, or maybe even further up the coast. In any case, I feel it’s important to find a location of heightened spirituality to undergo my treatment. Do you have any further knowledge of the ley-lines in Australia? Any help would be greatly appreciated, I don’t want to lose my abilities as a medium …

The ley-lines run not along the edges but through the heart and the mind of a place. – Joanne.

The truth about our green waste

rubbish tip brisbaneI have reached a roadblock. Our family business faces a terrible dilemma. As carpenters we produce a lot of wooden waste. Scraps of material that we do not need get placed in a scrap pile. It is my husband’s duty at the end of each week to dispose of this scrap pile. For years now I have trusted that he has done this in a sustainable and green manner. I accompanied him last week to see what he does with it and to my absolute shock we ended up at the Brisbane landfill. As a carpentry business we pride ourselves on sustainability. I promise our customers that our wood is sourced locally and ethically, causing no wildlife habitat destruction. How can I continue to promote this green image now I know that week after week we contribute to the methane producing, non recyclable, space grabbing gigantic rubbish pile. I confronted my husband about this practice and he told me it was the easiest way and I shouldn’t worry about it. Well, I am worried. I did some research and found an amazing place that takes wood and all green waste and recycles it. The best bit is it is cheaper than the regular tip. Brisbane is finally prioritising sustainability over money! The dilemma lies here – do I promote our new green waste practices and highlight that all these years we have been piling onto landfill or do I simply integrate it subtly into our brochure and hope no one notices. I feel a sense of duty to own up to our previous dirty ways but equally I was unaware of them and would have corrected them far sooner had I known. Ignorance is bliss and all of that.

Take the path of greater honour and you will be rewarded. Light will shine on those who are honest and true. What you don’t know can’t hurt you but what you do know is your greatest tool. – Joanne

The righteous path

RDermal fillers Melbourneecently I’ve been looking at different cosmetic procedures I can potentially undergo, but I really need some spiritual guidance about the whole process. I’ve always been very strict about what I put into my body. When I was a young girl, my mother taught me that what you put in, you get out, and that philosophy has generally done me good all these years. As I grew older, I grew conscious of the terrible strain of meat-eating on our planet and the benefits of veganism, so I’ve followed those paths in life without looking back. But now I’m older and I’m starting to see the effects that living this life have had on my body.

Of course, I don’t struggle with a lot of the issues my friends who have been living a more glutinous life have been faced with. I still work out, I’m in great shape, and I never feel like I’ll need liposuction or any of that sort of treatments, but what I’m really starting to worry about is my skin. I’ve tried several different homeopathic remedies and, as much as I want to, I’m just not seeing results. So I’m thinking it’s time to explore my options and go a bit more left of field than I typically would.

I’ve met with and talked to my doctor about it, and he suggested a couple of interesting options, including getting dermal fillers or a glycolic peel. Melbourne has some of the best medical and dermatology clinics in the world and by having a bit of a look online it turns out that the procedures are relatively non-invasive, but the idea of using chemicals on my skin just seems completely wrong to me. At the same time, though, I feel like I’ve basically run out of options. Maybe getting dermal fillers in Melbourne is a terrible idea, but what other choices do I have? I look in the mirror and hate myself, and I’m just sick of it, but I feel like doing this will change my credibility. How can I advocate living a chemical free life and undergo these treatments at the same time?

Trust in your heart, it will illuminate the righteous path up which you shall ascend. -Joanne

From Farm to Makeovers

makeupMy family are so parochial, they think that Melbourne is mostly just smokestacks and high-rises. I don’t think my parents have ever even BEEN outside their local area, and that’s just this little cluster of towns with loads of fields and the odd little tea shop. They’re nice tea shops, but if you want to live around here, your choices of profession are ‘tea shop owner’ and ‘farmer’. I’m not going to be a farmer. I made that pact when I was eight and ten years later I’m sticking to it.

With our dial-up internet (ugh, I know!) I managed to find a beautician course in Melbourne, and it really stood out to me. In fact, I’ve been looking at all sorts of courses in that genera; field…makeup, beauty surgery, hairdressing, all that. I just love glamming people up, which is bizarre because the parents think I want to be a stable girl. Got nothing against being a stable girl or being on a farm. I’m almost sort of proud of my parents for carrying on their whole lives, owning their own land and generally working so hard to make a living. That’s one thing they’ve really hammered into my brain: work hard, always. I can see the fruits of their labour (sometimes actual fruits, when the lemon and lime trees down the bottom of the creek paddock are in season) and I want to replicate that…but in my own field.

Thing is, I’m not even sure that they want me to take on the farm. Surely Mum and Dad can see that I’m not really the type, and it’s not like I have a big, strong farmer boyfriend to someday become my farmer husband and we’ll run the place together. I want to live in Melbourne, and that’s pretty much settled along with picking something like a diploma in beauty therapy. I’ll just have to see what they say.

The rabbit star is dancing above Venus, which means you’ll soon receive a visit from aliens. Greet them by taking off your left shoe and singing the first, fourth and sixteenth notes from ‘Hey Jude’ – Joanne

Snapper racks for his birthday

Marine fabrication MelbourneMy husband’s birthday is coming up and I have to admit I am well and truly stumped over what to get him. He’s not really a man that enjoys receiving presents, which makes christmas and birthdays a constant challenge, but I know that, if I put my mind to it, I can get him something he really wants. A present he’ll really value. So I’ve been coming up with lists of his hobbies and interests to try and work out what direction to go in and it’s surprisingly difficult. He doesn’t do too much apart from work, but when he does get some leisure time, I know that he loves to go fishing. I also know that he’s been talking about getting a boat for years now. So I thought I might get him something made up for him using a marine stainless steel fabrication company I found.

Even though the kind of fabrication they do is extremely customised, I’m hoping that they can make something generic enough that it will be useful no matter what kind of boat he eventually decides to get. At the same time, I feel kind of terrible getting him something he can’t exactly use now. That’s the whole point of a present, that you can take it and use it, not shelve it until it becomes useful three years down the track.

With all that in mind, I’m leaning towards getting him a set of snapper racks, but I could really use a second opinion from a psychic. Will they be useful for him? Or is this all just a waste and I should really get him a more practical, immediately useful present?

I foresee a future where he will use them and one where he will not. There are many factors which may contribute towards changing his fate. The road ahead is shrouded in mist, my friend. -Joanne.

Photobooth dreams

Photobooth hire MelbourneI’ve seen significant problems reading the deeper meaning behind my dreams and I would like your help, Joanna, to help figure out why. For many years now, I have been reading and interpreting my dreams, seeking to understand the messages from my subconscious that have travelled across the divide, drifting upwards from the deep to enter the surface level of thought. In attempting to recreate the wisdom of old encapsulated in dream-reading, I have had incredible success. I feel that I have come to know myself as few others have, understand what I am essentially trying to tell myself in sleep.

Having this knowledge has been absolutely critical to the way I’ve made my decisions over the last twenty years. My dreams have reflected my own deepest fears and desires, and have made the path I must take clear. Only recently all my dreams have revolved around a series of manic chases involving photobooths. Melbourne, as far as I am aware, doesn’t have any landscape that parallels the one I’ve seen in my dreams, meaning that I have not in fact been to the location of my dreams whilst awake. Nor have I, to my knowledge, attended any events where there was the organiser had taken the liberty of organising photobooth hire, either in Melbourne or any place on this earth. So the photobooth itself does not represent a past event or time in my life, but rather must have a deeper symbolic meaning. The problem with this is that I have no idea what that meaning may be, nor even what greater theme it is likely to pertain to. As a result of this, I have made the choice to ask for your help unravelling this mysterious, recurring presence in my dreams.

Sometimes dreams speak to us as through a friend, sometimes as no more than the sun on our skin or the rustling of the leaves. Embrace their magic. – Joanne.

Marriage, and the Importance of Sheets

accommodationSorry, do I have to pay for this internet business? The hotel says they have free Wi-Fi, but I don’t know if that means you have to pay for the internet…or is it a per-word business? I really don’t know. It doesn’t matter…someone told me this was a place to air the grievances, consult the agony aunt as it were!

My husband has been loving, faithful and loyal throughout our six decades of marriage. We’ve had our cross words, but only when they were absolutely necessary. We’ve settled our grievances and had such good times. And now, there’s a stick in the gears. A grind in the…system. One of those.

We decided for our retirement that we’d move to the sea, and the most obvious place was Lorne. Luxury apartments were something we were quite familiar with, having stayed in them many times over the years, and we wanted something to leave in the inheritance. You know, for the children. So that we did, taking up residency at a hotel we particularly loved. For years, it was all fine. We took quite a few things with us, such as cutlery, furniture and bedsheets. We’d had the same ones since we were married, a lovely set given to us by my great aunt. All covered in marigolds, but is also had foxes and other animals. Very nice, very breathable. Naturally, it didn’t last as long in the hotel. We ordered some coffee one night, and there was an incident. It was ruined, completely. I was devastated. We must’ve looked in every Lorne hotel for sheets that were similar, but they were truly unique. And now we’re in a spiral of sleepless nights and irritability, because this husband of mine just won’t settle for anything!! The design is wrong, or it’s too feminine, or it causes itching…honestly, when you try to compromise!

This Lorne hotel is spoken of by the stars. The foxes and marigolds dance in the heavenly galaxies. Beware of cats bearing gifts, because cats do not usually bear those. – Joanne

Ice Skating

Dear Mrs. DuncanIce skating Melbourne. Please help me make this decision. My name is Ellen, I am ten years old and I live in Melbourne with my mum and dad. I am in Grade 4 at Primary School and I have two best friends, their names are Arabella and Lucy. I also have a dog, his name is Rufus, and two goldfish, called Sam and Frodo.

On the weekends, my mum takes me to the to the Docklands for ice skating. I used to like to go ice skating a lot, I went ice skating all the time and it was really fun. It is really cold and sometimes mum says my lips go blue. It is a lot of fun to wear my beanie and gloves and big fluffy jumper. I feel like an eskimo. I made friends there in my ice skating classes. My friends were really nice and we had a lot of fun and laughs and smiles. They are my favourite part of going to the ice skating rink.

I loved to go ice skating when I was young, but now I am older and I don’t like it anymore. I feel bored when I go skating, but my mum really wants me to keep doing it. I have told her I don’t want to, but she keeps making me go. She doesn’t care that I don’t want to go. She nags me about it all the time. We fight about it but that makes us both sad and I don’t like being sad. I go to ice skating to keep mum happy. She always says she just wants me to be happy.

How do I stop going ice skating without hurting my mum’s feelings?

Love, Ellen.

To be brave as the bear, you must be gentle as the willow in the wind, as willing to compromise and adapt to the changing seasons. – Joanna

Ice skating for a hobby

I guess I’m onIce skating Melbournee of those people who need a hobby. I always have to be doing something, learning something new … otherwise I just sort of fall apart into a big aimless heap of directionless sludge. I also have a pretty short attention span, which proves to be a pretty lethal combination. I always start out learning or taking up my newest hobby with huge amounts of enthusiasm and energy, but almost always return to the lethargy I thought this time I’d finally escaped. It probably comes from some deep seeded restlessness of my soul, the practical upshot of which being I have mediocre skills in a whole variety of seemingly random activities. This month, for example, it’s ice skating.

To my surprise, that day that I decided to pursue this wonderful, beautiful sport, I discovered there are lots of wonderful places to learn to ice skate in Melbourne. You would think that Australia’s environmental and weather conditions would make ice skating an outlaw sport, available to only the very rich or highly dedicated, but that really just isn’t the case. Ice skating turns out to be pretty easy to get involved with, and pretty similar to roller blading (which was my hobby of the month about three years ago). Of course, ice skating in Australia is wonderful in the summer, when I decided to take it up … it’s just a fantastic way to escape that awful heat waves we get in Melbourne.

The problem with all this, and the reason I’m writing to you Joanna, is that I can feel my gusto for the sport gliding away. It’s like my heart just isn’t it to it any more. My shrink has implied this has something to do with parental neglect during my childhood, but I was hoping you could offer me some more spiritually centred advice. After all, I’ve recently found myself wondering if the realm of the spiritual could hold my true calling.

The view of the forest from the blade of grass and the furthest leaf on the tallest tree differ greatly, respect and honour these discrepancies. Yellow shall be your colour of luck during the downward cycle of the harvest moon. – Joanna

My persecution of the steel fabricator

I have recently realised the complete aSteel fabricatorsnd utter folly of my ways, and am working in earnest to try and rectify the grievous mistakes of my past. I have realised that it’s more than likely that some of my zeal over the protection of the planet has been misguided. Not the heart of my mission itself. No, I truly believe that making my life sustainable and promoting environmentally friendly behaviour in those around me is of the utmost importance. What I have realised over the last few days, however, is that slandering another person for their choice of lifestyle is not a morally righteous pathway.

In my ignorance, this is the path I have been following. It was only over the past few days that I have seen the error of this way.

One of the innocent people I have mercilessly hunted down has been the steel suppliers in Melbourne who work in the building next to mine. As a part of the finite resources industry, they perpetuate a culture of unsustainable conduct that has led to and continues to lead our planet into a state of incurable warming. This, clearly, is a terrible thing, and the reason why it continues to be undertaken in today’s day and age is a mystery to me.

However, having said that, it is not the fault of the poor steel fabricator, Melbourne is an interesting city after all. He is merely a symptom of the disease, not the disease itself. It’s not his fault that he trained in what is becoming a redundant field in a time when he didn’t know the negativity of what he was creating. It’s not his fault that he has kids and a mortgage, so doesn’t have the time or the liberty to retrain. Or at least, that’s what he told me when I bombarded him with accusations of destroying his children’s futures last week.

I guess I hadn’t quite thought of it from his perspective before. I just assumed he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. I think what I’m trying to ask is: is it wrong to persecute someone from just doing their job?

There is nothing more sacred than the freedom of choice given to each creature by good mother earth.