Filling the void with an Alfa

AllAlfa Romeo Service my life, I have strived to be a staunch naturalist. What I mean by that, is that I have never subscribed to the modern premise of capitalism. I have always tried to live off the land – use that which I can grow myself and or can pay for through trade with others. Perhaps living in the country helped further this agenda, but it’s impossible to know for sure. All I do know, was that I had reached a pinnacle of contentment – that I was complete and fulfilled within myself.

That changed when Karen left. I knew that I was quite a lot older than her, but I also believed, falsely, that we shared a real love. She ran off with a man I hadn’t seen since university who had unexpectedly walked into one of my classes about six months beforehand. Naturally, I was devastated, but in retrospect, I handled it poorly. I decided to fill the void with an Alfa Romeo. Little did I know that an Alfa Romeo would not service my soul.

It wasn’t just the Alfa. I moved to the city, abandoning my small farm in the country. I used the savings I had amassed from an early success in my youth to fund a spiral of consumer-driven madness. I lived in an apartment in the city, owned too many objects that had no value other than their price tag. Perhaps, in a distant part of my suppressed subconscious, I knew that I was receiving none of the spiritual nourishment I so desperately craved, but as was now my habit, I ignored it, and focused instead on my Alfa. The Romeo restoration project I had embarked on became an all-consuming obsession. It occupied hours of my time and hundreds of my dollars.

Now I have moved back to my home, my true home, in the bush. It’s a safe place, where I can pick up the pieces of my shattered psyche. However, I find myself at a loss as for how to accomplish such a feat. How does one return to their lost selves after such a cataclysmic and fundamental change to their life?

Take a chance on the wind and let it carry you away, to a better life and a better tomorrow.

Talking to a Computer?

call centreI feel like I’m in need of mystic advice. I don’t really like to take advice from anyone…not since the incident in which the SatNav told me to drive into a bus shelter and I chose to do so, destroying a prize pumpkin and causing a kitten to have a heart attack that ruined his career in the show ring. That was a dark time in my life, and you can understand why I might not want to revisit it so soon. Still, while I’m done taking orders from technology, the mystical ways are still open to me. At least they don’t give me mental images of disappointed kittens with broken hearts, watching from the sidelines while their peers win awards.

Really, I just love to answer calls. I used to work for a call answering service around Sydney, and I’m thinking of getting back into the game. That doesn’t change the fact that live call answering has advanced far beyond my understanding. I hear you can even get answering machines that pass a call onto an entirely different agency, so they deal with the overflow while you blissfully chat to whoever it is you’re chatting to. It’s a way of getting more business done, and everyone says I should use my skills as a verbal communicator to answer phones because SO many people just hate the thought of talking on the phone and I get where they’re coming from. I’m a great communicator. But I’d be surrounding myself with technology, and not only that, it’s technology that could potentially do my job.

Maybe I should go back to ruining the dreams of innocent kittens and sometimes hopeful pumpkin farmers. But call answering services are here to stay. I could work with them, or against them.

My crystal ball is clouded, possibly by dust. Please come back later. – Joanna

Planning my sister’s wedding

Organising an event is never straight forward so when I heard I was in charge of organising my sister’s wedding I was very apprehensive. Everything needed to be planned and organised right through from venues to marquees. I was unsure at first what dimension of marquee to choose, one which would not only fit in a back garden but also fit in with a relatively tight budget. As the wedding function was planned for September i knew Melbourne weather could not guarantee a dry sunny day so a marquee hire seemed to be my only choice. I ended up going with a local marquee hire Melbourne situated company who assured me the could offer all the party hire Melbourne requirements.

party hire in melbourne

I organised a meeting with many different marquee hire Melbourne company’s all of which assured me affordability but not necessarily quality. I wanted my sister’s wedding to be a once in a life time event. I spent the rest of my morning and evenings researching Melbourne marquees and what exactly would fit in with the theme i had in mind. My perception of wedding marquee hire in Melbourne was that it was relatively expensive however i soon managed to find an affordable marquee hire which could also guarantee the highest of quality wedding marquees.

The setup of the marquee took almost two days but when they had finished erecting the marquee’s it all looked truly amazing. The freshly cut lawns contrasted with the fresh white marquee, and the fairy lights seemed to glisten in rival with the starry night sky. I felt so proud of what I had organised or should I say what the marquee hire guys managed to set up, everything seemed to fall effortlessly into place. I would strongly encourage anybody contemplating on marquee hire in Melbourne to do so without hesitation. Marquees seem to offer a different dimensions to an event creating an unforgettable atmosphere.

From Psychology to Dog Walking

I have alwayDog walking Melbournes felt I have a connection with animals. Since I was a little girl, it’s been like we communicate. Their body language, their eyes – I’ve really always known what they were thinking and what they were about to do. We had a calming effect on each other. They were calmed by my presence and I by theirs. One of the effects of growing up on a farm, perhaps. All I know is that animals have always been an integral part of my life.

When I moved to the city, I decided to abandon my dreams of working with animals and made overtures into working in people instead. For a while I felt that I had found my calling. I qualified as and have since worked as a psychologist, helping people work through their problems, but in recent times I have felt that I’ve lost myself in the troubles of others. I really need to go back to my roots and reconnect with myself.

As a part of that, I would like to fulfil my dream of working with animals, but I am not sure how to go about this. I have thought that, perhaps, I could work with a dog walking service in Melbourne. I know that many people struggle looking after their dogs, and maybe I could become involved in that. It would, if nothing else, give me a chance to gather my thoughts while I do something I’d undeniably enjoy. After all, how bad could being a dog walker in Melbourne be? It’s such a beautiful city, and it would give me an excuse to get out and just enjoy the sunshine while getting some exercise.

Despite all this, though, I’m really struggling with the idea of giving up on my career – even if I just take a hiatus. I worked quite hard to get to where I am now, and, naturally, I have misgivings about abandoning it all for my passion. What would you recommend?

There is no balm more soothing to the soul than filling it with love. Carry that love within yourself and you will accomplish your dreams. – Joanna

My Poor Memory for Names

cluelessI struggle at work, constantly. See, my short-term memory isn’t all that it used to be. I think that emu racing accident really did something to my mind, which would also explain the dizzy spells and desire to eat spinach for every meal. Spinach, really? I suppose it IS full of iron, so maybe that’s my body telling me that I need to eat more healthy meals. Wholemeal bread is just…

Well, anyway. I’m bad with names. As in, awfully, terribly, soul-crushingly bad with names. I’ve been campaigning for corporate name badges, but it doesn’t really seem to be working all that well so far. It’s like everyone in the office just remembers each other’s names! Which is probably what happens. None of them have had tragic emu-related accidents like I have, so that must be it. Whereas I’m here, struggling to remember the name of the guy sitting next to me right now, and I’ve known him for three years! It’s Jeremy, or Jimmy, or…Pierre? Samuel…you see my problem.

The only people in this building who have name tags are the receptionists, and they’re too small for me to recognise from a distance. Basically, I’m reduced to going right up to them (and by that time I’ve already said hello) and trying to read their name tag while engaging them in small talk. I’m terrible at small talk at the best of times, but trying to do so while scanning their name tags is just distracting. Come to think of it, I may also be struggling with multitasking a little bit more than I used to. Sometimes I just have to stop walking, because I’ve stopped breathing. Sometimes doing those two at the same time is really hard, y’know?

So, uh…oh yes, name tags! Surely some local Australia name badges will suit my needs. I just need a good way to introduce them without revealing my mental instability.

The stars predict that regular Lindy-Hop lessons will open your eyes! Beware of those who believe Jason Bourne is superior to James Bond. Your lucky number is C3-P0. – Joanne

Everyone Needs to Jump Online

milk barGoing digital: it’s how you get ahead in today’s world. And ignoring the digital is how you get behind. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling everyone. I was in the local milk bar today, and I got talking to the owner…asked if he had a website for his business. After all, even lemonade stands have their websites nowadays, right? But no, milk bar man has no such thing. Oh man, what a business mistake! How will people find him? By walking by? Ha, everyone drives nowadays anyway.

Naturally, I pointed him to one of the many places in Melbourne that design custom websites. In fact, I even wrote down the link and handed it to him. See, that’s how much I care about local businesses. I really am here to help. Here to help, that’s me. I expect his marvellously designed website will be up and running any day now. And my crusade hasn’t stopped there: I’m taking my business advice to every shop I visit. These places are just going to vanish if they don’t get online and start raking in the digital bucks. How much more profitable will the milk bar guy’s milk bar be if they start taking online orders, maybe even doing deliveries? They could hold a graphic design competition, get their local customers to design a new look for the shop. THAT would bring in the business, and the bucks. A good bit of graphic design from someone who knows what they’re doing.

Sometimes I don’t think people truly appreciate my Samaritan ways. If you really don’t want to know about all my business connections, those places in Melbourne, graphic design being their specialty. That is simply out of this world, I can’t force you. But the digital revolution is here, friends. Get online or vanish! Right?

Memory is the stardust of the human mind. Guard your money, because people might want to steal it. The aura colour of the day is purple with a vague beige tint. – Joanna

Eloping and Boating

elopingI feel like the universe is telling me to elope. Weddings are stressful, in-laws even more so, and the universe has never really been wrong before. Just this morning, I had to ask if shredded wheat was a superior choice to porridge with golden syrup. Sure enough, as soon as I picked up the shredded wheat box, I found that it was empty. Porridge it was. Thanks, universe!

And I’ve always wanted to elope on a boat. Today some mail came through the door, and it was advertising a course on how to maintain boats in Melbourne, marine trailer repairs, how to scrape barnacles off your hull…and I’m thinking it was a sign. Perhaps the metaphor goes even deeper than showing me that I should be eloping on a boat. For example, the marine trailer repair could be hinting that I should repair my relationship with the in-laws before we elope. If we do that without making amends, we may never get another chance. And then there was something about anchor winches…so I should be trying to draw in this opportunity to take my husband in blissful matrimony, like a winch drawing in an anchor. It’s all just so simple!

What else? Well, there was the section on how to become a boat mechanic. A mechanic fixes things, and a boat is a thing that you use to travel across water. The message here has to be that we’ll soon be navigating the unruly seas of married life, and we need to take a mechanic’s attitude towards fixing problems as they come up. Our new life won’t be easy in Melbourne, a boat mechanic principles are what we need. Thanks, universe!

The cosmos has granted you wisdom. Don’t forget to pick up the cat food and balance your third and seventh chakras. Your lucky number is DATA NOT FOUND.

My Tech-Savvy Brother

tech savvyThere are some problems that humans just cannot handle. That’s why we have to get mystic advice. Because where else are we going to get it? I’m so right. I’m ALWAYS right. Except, y’know…now.

Anyway, I’ve never been the most computer literate millennial, but now it’s coming back to bite me. I chose a career in administration, all good, doesn’t require an in-depth understanding of web design. Just a bit of Excel, maybe some other, spreadsheet-related stuff. And then what does my brother go and do? Some fancy software development course around Melbourne somewhere. And since my parents are even less tech-savvy than the average people from that generation, he’s basically become a bonafide super genius in their eyes. All he has to do is move the mouse across the screen in a slightly fancy manner and Mum and Dad are practically falling over themselves to praise his skills. They once rang him up to ask how to change to computer background, and they wouldn’t stop talking about it for weeks afterwards. I can do that stuff! I’ve even done a little bit of web design in my time, when our IT guy got stuck in traffic and some hacker defaced our website. Sure, I practically deleted all of our text, but it was better than the site being filled with naughty words. That’s basically web design. Designing our web…to not be filled with profanity.

But no, it’s brother dear who gets all the credit, because he’s actually involving himself with technology and computers and probably a software development course once his is done, because he’s just that smart. Mum and Dad treat me like I’m an amusing pet playing with a ball of wool. Maybe I should just go do an IT course, and then they’d treat me like an equal. Maybe.

The half-crescent full moon is dark in September. Point your life north-east-south for best results. Tea leaf reading may vary, see your GP for more details. – Joanna

Will my dreams come true?

IWill and Testament had a terrifying premonition last night. Now that might sound strange, but I’ve had premonitions before. Sometimes it’s just a really strong feeling about something, but often it’s more than that. Particularly recently, I’ve started having really vivid dreams that seem to have some relevance to the future. Now, that may sound rather run of the mill, but you should know that, for all of my life, I’ve never had a vivid dream. And these dreams become a reality. For example, I had a dream about a tabby cat, and then the next day my neighbour came in to tell me she’d just bought a tabby cat, and that I shouldn’t worry if I was it around the street. Anyway, last night, and for the few nights before it, I’ve been having this reoccurring dream where I die. It’s always extremely vivid, and I’ve begun to think that I, or someone around me, has limited time left on this mortal plane.

Now, I’m not particularly worried. I believe in fate, and things happening for a reason at the right time, but what it has forced me to think about was making a will, because, you see, I do not have one. In the event of my death, part of me would like to see the cards fall where the may, but I do worry this deterministic approach will leave my loved ones without direction. I know that losing myself will be a heavy blow for them to bear, and so if I can soften it in any way, I think that it is my duty to do so. They need to be able to feel their grief to the fullest, not have it undermined by legal woes. For example, I’m considering giving my solicitor power of attorney. I’m not exactly sure how that would work, but I feel that it is the right thing to do. However, I worry that thinking in this way sets the fates against myself. I’m not ready to pass on to the next life, but could making preparations lead to such a fate?

You can only be expected to act within the constraints of this earth. Escapism is for the birds and their brethren alone, solitude for the wolf. Jupiter’s orbit shall determine all that has yet to have come.

Can’t Read the Leaves!

leavesI keep up with my horoscope, read my own palm AND tea leaves, plus I have a degree in crystal ball reading. Still, the future of my finances remains clouded. How can this be? I could use my innate power to communicate with trees, but they don’t often have anything useful to say on the future. They’re more concerned with the present, y’know?

All I’d like to know is if my house offer will go through. What with Melbourne and their property transfer people helping me with the process you’d think it was a given. I’ve been to so many meetings, learned all about vendors statements, and that’s not even counting all the open houses I’ve visited. So many lovely homes, but I could only choose one. The dragon knucklebones I consulted lead me to a lovely little two-bedroom house in the North, complete with patio and gravel driveway. The feng-shui in the place was very much on point, so I thought it was perfect. Transfer that property at once! But it’s a hot property, and they’ve had other offers. I know that’s how the game works, and I’m not the only person in Melbourne looking for a house, but it’s the uncertainty that really gets me. Usually I can just peek in the crystal ball and make contingency plans, but it’s not working right now. I’m not used to NOT knowing, which I’m sure is something you can understand. It’s so nice going through life and being able to just read a person’s aura to see if you’re going to be friends, or seeing if your property transfer is going through simply be channeling reiki into one of my special qi bowls. Why do things have to be so clouded? Maybe it’s just always this way with housing. It’s a dynamic market, things change all the time…and people work as property conveyancers in Melbourne all the time, doing this stuff! And most of them don’t even know how to channel reiki. I admire that.

Phrenology isn’t quite as defunct as the masses believe. Prunes will open your third eye, and possibly a fourth if many are consumed. The luckiest number is infinity +1, because it beats everything.